Vegetable Rights

Sarah Laughton

You all know about the animal rights movements. About how we are unnecessarily cruel to animals. About how they should not be eaten, or experimented on.

I am here to address another such problem, one far more widespread, but completely unconsidered and so, for more insidious. I am here to speak against cruelty to vegetables!

"What??" you say. "Vegetables?"

Yes. Think of the millions of innocent, happy tomatoes, beans, cabbages and cucumbers slain every day before they even reach maturity. Think of the avocados that will never be little avocado trees! Think of the peas ripped from there pods and pod mates and herded off to the horrors of the split pea soup.

This is by no means a isolated problem. As I speak, a stately redwood tree is felled here in California, a potato is hunted in it's burrow in Idaho, a family of bananas is torn apart in Brazil, a daikon is tortured with a greater before accompanying a forlorn array of tempuraed fellow vegetables into oblivion in Japan.

We, as responsible, civilized people cannot let these atrocities to go unchecked! It is not 'somebody else's problem'! What did you eat for breakfast? How many of our vegetable friends are in you blood stream right now? What is the furniture you are sitting on made of? What have you been cleaning it with? Was it lemon scented? Did it have the damning 'Natural lemon scent' printed on it? Your clothes! Are they cotton? What is paper made from? DO you realize how many trees go to that fate alone? DO you realize... Ahhh, never mind that one.

As I was saying, this must cease! We can no longer ignore the cries of the unborn pepper plant!

"Yes," you say, "but what can I do about cruelty to vegetables?"

Hmm, that's a very good question. All I can suggest is.... eat rocks.

Next weeks issue: Mineral rights.

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