Worshiping the Goddess Melissa

Sarah Laughton

There is but one Melissa Etheridge and she is The Only One. Pray to her for guidance in matters relating to music, coming out, love and howling jealousy. Prey to her when you have Nowhere to Go. Pray to her for the strength to be Brave and Crazy.

To worship the Goddess, you Must be Crazy for Her. We who cannot get Enough of Her, shall creep into her temple and sleep upon her pew. Then we shall be arrested for trespassing.

Failing that, build a shrine to her atop the stereo. This shrine should be built of CD jewel cases guarded by tiny angels riding trains and surrounded by a triangle of rainbow candles. A triangle to represent the trinity that is Melissa: Mother, Dyke, and Holy Rockstar.

Above the shrine shall be a poster of the Goddess herself in leather pants, waving her guitar. If this icon, being placed to close to the rainbow candles, should combust, you shall extinguish the flames with holy water brought from (was it hard Rock Cafe where she was offering the crowd water?) while singing Bring Me Some Water.

To invoke the Goddess Melissa, you must Dance Without Sleeping for two days, then stand at your open window and sing Come to My Window, all the way through with all the howls. If you do this, you shall pass out on the floor and (hopefully) have hallucinations of Melissa.

Do all this, and Keep it Precious, and the Goddess Melissa shall lead you to the Truth of the Heart.

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